We Have To Talk: Having Tough Conversations

One thing that my 30's has taught me is that you can not ask of someone what you are not willing to give yourself. Specifically, when dealing with romantic relationships, I frequently found myself saying and doing things that I felt that my partner wanted to hear versus being willing to be 100 percent Brit at the risk of it not working out.

Now in my most recent experience, that was not the case, I was extremely transparent, vulnerable, and unapologetically me and that is why although the situation still hurts, I genuinely have no regrets and am at peace with the outcome.

There is this VERY common misconception in relationships that says it is better to keep our mouths shut to "keep the peace" rather than have a hard conversation.

So many think the strength in relationships is determined by the frequency of fights. We believe if we are not fighting, things are good. Meanwhile, lots of little resentments and irritations are bubbling under the surface.

Let me set the record straight: How willing we are to have hard conversations (with grace) determines the strength of our relationships.

I'm not confident in many areas of my past romantic relationships. Emotional fusion has always been a constant struggle for me. Partially because I tend to be drawn to long-distance relationships for some reason or scenarios where daily physical contact isn't necessary(firefighters, military, consultants, athletes). But, "Atlanta" was different.

One area I was VERY confident in is our ability to have hard conversations. Why? We both put in the work. We were at a point where I felt we had strengthened those muscles to be able to do it with both resilience and grace.

Here's What I've Learned:

1. Having hard conversations effectively doesn't just happen- it is a SKILL! It doesn't matter how nice or easy-going you are; we all have to learn this one the hard way- by DOING it. By trial and error. If I never overshared, I wouldn't know not to.

2. It's not always more righteous to keep my mouth shut. This is a tempting thought because keeping our mouths shut keeps the peace, so it's much more comfortable and much less risky, but never being vulnerable by expressing our desires (and yes, risking hurt feelings) will never lead to a close connection.

3. Forgive before you fix it. When we are disagreeing with our partner and become angry, we now have two problems: 1. the inciting disagreement and 2. our anger. We typically try to solve one of them without addressing the other. We've got this backward. FIRST, get your heart in the right place, THEN work toward a solution with your partner.